Do your children know where their grandparents grew up? How their parents met? The story of the day they were born? It sounds like trivia. But according to a well-known study from Emory University, the answers might say a surprising amount about how well a child copes when life gets hard.
The big idea
Children who know more about their family's history tend to have higher self-esteem, a stronger sense of control over their lives, and more resilience when things go wrong.
The study that started it all
Psychologist Marshall Duke and his colleague Robyn Fivush at Emory University in Atlanta set out to look into how family stories affect children. The idea came from Duke's wife, Sara, who worked with children with learning difficulties. She noticed that the students who knew a lot about their families tended to do better when facing challenges.
To test it, the researchers created the "Do You Know?" scale: 20 simple questions about family history. In the summer of 2001, they asked around four dozen families these questions and recorded some of their dinner-table conversations.
Three of the original questions
❓ Do you know where your grandparents grew up?
❓ Do you know where your parents met?
❓ Do you know the story of your birth?
The result was striking. The more children knew about their family's history, the higher their self-esteem, the stronger their sense of control over their own lives, and the more they believed their family worked well. Duke and Fivush found the scale was the best single predictor of children's emotional health and happiness.
Then something unexpected happened
Two months after the interviews, the September 11th attacks took place. None of the families had been directly affected, but the children were living through the same national shock as everyone else. When the researchers went back and assessed them again, the pattern held: the children who knew more about their families were more resilient and better able to cope with stress.
Why would knowing family stories help?
It isn't really about the facts themselves. A child who knows where Nan grew up probably learned it the same way most family stories are passed on: at the dinner table, on long car journeys, at Christmas, in the kitchen while something was in the oven. Knowing the stories is a sign of a family that talks, and a child who feels part of something bigger than themselves.
Duke called this having a strong "intergenerational self": the sense that you belong to a family that has been through things before you, and come out the other side.
The three kinds of family story
Duke described three shapes that family stories tend to take. See if you recognise yours.
📈 The ascending story
"We came from nothing. Your great-grandad worked in the mill at 14, and look at us now." A story of steady rise through hard work.
📉 The descending story
"We used to have it all, and then we lost everything." A story of decline.
🎢 The oscillating story
"We've had good times and hard times. Grandad lost his job, Nan was ill, the house flooded. But whatever happened, we stuck together." Ups and downs, held together by family.
According to Duke, the third, the oscillating story, is the healthiest. It's the most honest, and it teaches children something the other two don't: that setbacks are normal, families survive them, and so will they.
Worth remembering
The hard chapters matter too. Children don't need a perfect family history. They need an honest one, and to know how the family got through it.
Try it at home: the family story check
Here are ten questions in the spirit of the research, written by us for families to try round the table. Don't treat it as a test; treat it as a conversation starter. If nobody knows the answer, that's your cue to ask someone who does.
- Where did your grandparents grow up?
- How did your parents meet?
- What happened on the day you were born?
- What was your mum's or dad's first job?
- Which family member are you named after, or who chose your name?
- What was a hard time your family went through, and how did they get through it?
- Where did your family go on holiday when your parents were young?
- What's a family recipe, and who first made it?
- Which relative does everyone have a funny story about?
- What's a saying your grandparents always use?
Score 8–10: your family stories are alive and well. 4–7: a good start, with a few gaps to fill. 0–3: perfect excuse for a long Sunday lunch with the grandparents.
How to keep your family stories alive
- Eat together when you can. In the research, many of the stories came out at the dinner table. Phones away, questions out.
- Ask the grandparents. They are the family's living archive. Our list of 75 questions to ask your grandparents is a good place to start.
- Tell the hard stories too. Age-appropriately, but honestly. The oscillating story is the one that builds resilience.
- Revisit the same stories. Children love hearing the same tale again and again. Repetition is how stories become part of who they are.
- Write it down. Memory fades and storytellers don't live forever. A story written in Grandad's own handwriting is something your grandchildren can hold.
Where we come in
We started The Memory Store Co because we believe these stories are worth keeping. Our Tell Me Your Story memory books guide grandparents through their life story over 44 beautifully designed pages: childhood, first jobs, love, family, the hard times and the lessons learned.
Start your family's story book
And to start a story your own children will tell one day, Christmas At Ours is a family Christmas book you fill in together every year for ten years. It's a small, fun tradition that quietly builds your family's history as you go.
Frequently asked questions
What is the "Do You Know?" scale?
It's a set of 20 questions about family history developed by psychologists Marshall Duke and Robyn Fivush at Emory University. It asks children things like where their grandparents grew up and how their parents met. Children who knew more answers showed higher self-esteem and more resilience.
Why are family stories important for children?
Family stories give children a sense of belonging to something bigger than themselves. Research suggests children who know their family's history cope better with stress, have higher self-esteem and feel more in control of their lives.
What is an oscillating family narrative?
It's a family story with ups and downs: good times and hard times, with the family sticking together through both. Marshall Duke considered it the healthiest kind of family story, because it shows children that setbacks are survivable.
How can I preserve my family's stories?
Ask older relatives about their lives, share stories regularly at mealtimes, and write them down. A guided memory book makes it easy for grandparents to record their stories in their own words and handwriting.
Research referenced: the "Do You Know?" scale by Marshall Duke and Robyn Fivush, Emory University; findings popularised in Bruce Feiler's 2013 New York Times essay "The Stories That Bind Us". This article is for general interest and isn't professional psychological advice.
Your family's story is already being written. Make sure someone's keeping a copy. The Memory Store Co